DEAR MISS ALL – CHILDHOOD ANGST

DAYDREAMS

I was raised on a small dairy farm  near Ulverstone, on the north west coast of Tasmania.

Our dairy  farm, circa 1960's.

Our dairy farm, circa 1960’s.

Many would consider this an idyllic childhood, and in retrospect   it was.  However, owing to a steady diet of American comic books I longed to be anywhere else but there.

US Comics fired my imagination.

US comics fired my imagination.

I wanted to  drink double malted milkshakes  and root beer. I longed to bound down our farm lane on a pogo stick, eating a Hershey bar. So powerful was my desire for escape that I imagined a line of hedges on the horizon to be a stationery train, waiting to carry me away. It was devastating  when I eventually realized my mistake.

By the time I was about twelve I was full of pre-adolescent angst. One day I saw an advertisement in Pix magazine which read; DO YOU WANT  TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE? ( Yes I did!) ARE YOU AS HAPPY AS YOU DESERVE TO BE? (No, I wasn’t!)   I filled  out the accompanying coupon and sent it off.

A couple of weeks later a large envelope arrived. Much to the amusement of my siblings it was incorrectly addressed to Miss P. All, instead of Allen. To my humiliation they demanded to know what was inside. It was a  cheaply printed booklet with a slightly sinister black cover.   The text consisted  of  glowing testimonials and meaningless waffle. It provided no clue whatsoever about how to change my life, but requested  a considerable sum of money for a  course which would guarantee the  fulfillment of all my dreams.

Well I only had about five pounds in my bank account, and anyway it dawned on me that I had been very silly. I threw the booklet away and tried to forget about it.

Three weeks later my older sister collected the mail and appeared with a letter and a big grin; ‘Letter for Miss All!’ Oh my hat! It was another request to  send money. Over the next few months the letters became more pressing. One read; ‘We know you are interested Miss All, or you would not have contacted us.’   Of course my sister was thoroughly enjoying the whole business and told me that someone would probably arrive at the farm to sign me up. Whether I sought reassurance from my parents I can’t remember, but her warning shook me to the core. I began to dread the sound of a car arriving. I also felt slightly sick whenever the mail was delivered.

In the end I sent the company a letter saying that I was now happily married, that my life was wonderful and that I did not want to receive any more letters! I signed it Mrs P. Green. Thankfully they removed me from their mailing list and the ghastly Miss All saga was over. Mind you, I was still a twelve year old full of dreams and feeling a bit miserable.  I regret to say that it was not the end of my attempts at finding a new persona.  A brief religious conversion the following year had remarkable parallels to the Miss All story.

NB:  I EVENTUALLY VISITED THE UNITED STATES  IN THE 1980’S. WAS IT ALL I  HAD IMAGINED? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT.

By the way,  I did get to at least  borrow a pogo stick recently, albeit in the UK.

Finally...a pogo stick. Could be dangerous!

Finally…a pogo stick. Could be dangerous!

 

 

 

6 Comments
  1. I so enjoyed this post. When I was that age, I would have loved to go to the Chalet School

    • Pauline

      I dreamed of going to boarding school too, Catherine. Probably would have hated it in reality.

  2. Your post made me smile and took me back when I was twelve and wishing to be anywhere else but where I was…

  3. Thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog. Made me reflect on my own childhood in a small country town in South Australia.

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